Dior

Abortion doesn’t just affect women, but also men and those close to us. We are not alone, though we are encouraged to be. How can we be there for our friends, if the shame is such that no one wants to share their story or their burden? Let them know that this is normal, it is okay.

“We can start to make this better by just sharing with each other.”

My personal experience is one of privilege, free health care (in Canada), and easy access. And yet, it was scarring and painful in many ways. I can’t imagine not having the “advantages” I had in my ability to make a choice. But the fact I’m grateful for something that should be totally accessible and acceptable, but isn’t, is a problem in itself.

I had an abortion with (possibly) the love of my life, at age 20. He was wonderful but he couldn’t possibly understand the hormones running through me afterward that made me cry all day long for unknown reasons. He put up with it for awhile but eventually, mixed with other things, it became too much. He ended things and I don’t blame him. But I often wonder, if he’d  had more knowledge, or we had more education, it may have turned out differently for us. I was alone again.

In addition to that, just last year, at 25, I had a miscarriage. I thought it would be an entirely different experience, maybe even easier to talk about because I hadn’t had to make that choice. But it hasn’t been easier, and I didn’t have the support I needed. I didn’t even know where to begin looking for it on the internet.

Abortion (and miscarriage) have become so wrapped in secrecy, and I felt pressure to keep it to myself. While it is indeed a private experience, women are nonetheless often pressured to go on as if nothing has happened. It isn’t uncommon that our boyfriends will encourage us to do just that because they don’t know how to help us. “The problem has been taken care of, no?” The shame that is brought on us by society is real, and women feel it. I’ve been scared to share.

Everyone’s experience will be different. It may be physically painful for one, it may not for another. I could go on about how we need better, more available access to procedures; anesthesia should be mandatory, not an option (it is never an option for any other type of surgery); and that it is OK to admit you are not ready to raise a child. But what I really want anyone who has continued reading this far to take away, is that we can start to make this better by just sharing with each other. Even in private circles. If you are a guy, talk to your girlfriend, even if it is “behind both of you” in your mind. She may not want to open up again, but give her the option.

Let’s try to shake off the shame so that women who are much more educated, passionate, and powerful than I am can have the ability someday to make a real difference. It should be a choice to create and continue your own future, and whether that involves a child or not shouldn’t make you feel ashamed or alone.