Rachel

My story is not one of trauma. It does not represent a dark time in my life, nor the hardest thing I’ve ever done. What it does represent is choice. My choice to continue in the joy of a new relationship, my choice to go to graduate school, to be financially independent from my parents.

“A mistake with my birth control would not define my future.”

At 25, I was not ready to be a mom. Some might be, but I was not. Granted, I could have made it work, and I’m sure my family would have been supportive, my new boyfriend wouldn’t have left or resented me, but that was not the way I wanted to be a parent. I was living with my own parents, in debt, applying to grad school, and newly in love with the man who is now my husband. A mistake with my birth control would not define my future.

I made the choice about 30 seconds after my test came back positive. No wrestling with god, no fear of danger, or complications. Just a choice – one I always believed in having the inalienable right to make, and have always fought for. I’ll always remember that moment – there is something so powerful about the moment when an abstract right you’ve always believed in becomes a very real and dire need.

I lived in a state where Planned Parenthood is not an abortion provider, but there were many independent clinics. The hurdles I faced were minimal compared to so many other women. We scraped together the money, I was subjected to a vaginal ultrasound because of how far along I was (this was far more invasive in theory than real life when all you want is to not be pregnant and can’t think about anything besides not being pregnant), managed to take the time off work to have the procedure done, and recover at home without letting on to my parents. I think I told them I had a migraine, or ovarian cyst pain and just needed to lay in bed undisturbed for the night. They still don’t know and I’m not sure if I’ll ever tell them. It was over in 48 hours or so, and I went on with life. I got into grad school, moved to a new state, and married the sweetest and most supportive man on the planet.

I now long to be a mom. My husband and I joke about baby fever, and thank god for my IUD (why did I not know about these back then?!?) whenever we see a chubby cheeked infant at a restaurant or around the park. We’re not quite ready for a baby given our professional circumstances, but will be soon. I am so excited for that time in our life. Wanting to be a mom now doesn’t make me regret what I did at 25. I want to be a good mom, and my husband wants to be a good dad. Based on our own personal experiences, a large part of being good parents means being financially prepared for a child. It also means setting good examples through what we’ve achieved in our careers and educations. At 25 I wouldn’t have been able to do any of these things, but now I can.

I realize some people might think that my choice wasn’t justified given my circumstances and privilege. But that is the beauty of what we are fighting for – choice without judgment and without subjecting a woman and her body to the power, morals, beliefs or ignorance of others.