Draw the Line

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Ami

Florida

Topics: Abortion, Reproductive Health
Area of Life Affected: Dignity

An Unexpected Discovery

I was just about to turn 40, and I was beginning an intensive yoga teacher training program in two days when I found out I was pregnant.

I knew the risks involved in having a baby as an “older” woman. It also doesn’t help that I have a potentially life-threatening illness and I have had miscarriages in the past. I remember being told when I was in my twenties that my uterus wasn’t suitable to bear children and I ran a very high risk of failure if I tried to go through with any pregnancies in the future.

“She normally didn't go into the procedure room, but she knew I needed that extra hand of comfort.”

I’ve learned to live with the fact that children just weren’t in the cards for me, and I was okay with that. When I saw that test result my heart broke. I called my boyfriend, and we discussed our options. Do we take the chance, get excited about this life we created, only to most likely be devastated five or six months down the road? We just couldn’t do it. The thought alone hurt us both so deeply. So the next day I made the appointment to go to the clinic the following week.

My boyfriend took me and waited in the lobby for the hours that it took for the procedure to take place. I wanted to do the pill form but during the sonogram a large mass the size of a grapefruit was discovered on my uterus. I was told then and there that even if I wanted to go through with this pregnancy, it would most certainly end in heartache. And because of the mass, I would have to have the surgery instead of taking the pill.

I cried and cried and cried. But the technician who did the sonogram held my hand the entire time. She told me she normally didn’t go into the procedure room but she knew I needed that extra hand of comfort.

In the weeks following my abortion, I learned that not only did I have one large mass, but there are four masses. Two large, two small—and the smaller ones were growing. I am very much aware of their presence now. I can feel them if I push down on my abdomen. And the pain is getting worse as the masses continue to grow.

I have discussed my options with my gynecologist, and we have decided that a hysterectomy needs to be done, which we have scheduled for the end of February. I’m just a little over a month away from surgery and there are days when I am absolutely terrified. It’s crazy how much things can change in just a short period of time.

I complete my yoga teacher training program the first weekend of February. Strangely enough that program has given me solace. It has kept me grounded. It has kept me sane. Without that program, I don’t know how I would have been able to handle this ordeal and these last five months.

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